82 Funny Wedding Quotes to Make You and Your Partner Laugh

The newlyweds are toasted by their family and friends at the reception. We feel compelled to send the newlywed couple our best wishes and words after witnessing such a lovely union. While we like a romantic quote, it's possible to have too much of a good thing when it comes to sayings about marriage. Therefore, we believe that it is always a good idea to include some wed funny quotes. Use any of these humorous wedding phrases as inspiration for your card or guestbook comment and watch it stand out from the rest.

If you're the bride and groom, a member of the wedding party or just someone searching for some inspiration for your vows or the maid of honor speech you'll be giving, a little humor may go a long way toward reaching that ideal middle ground. It's a fantastic method to keep the audience engaged and develop your comic timing.

Famous Wed Funny Quotes about Marriage

Get ready to write the best wedding toast ever! Start out the process of writing your wedding wishes with a dash of comedy to lighten the mood. Here is a collection of wed funny quotes from famous and well-known people. These clever gems will make your greeting cards or guestbook entries the talk of the party.

1. “Marriage is like a roller coaster: the ups and downs are thrilling, but you might find yourself screaming at times.” —Ellen DeGeneres
2. “Marry someone who can make you laugh in the middle of an argument. That's true love!” —Oprah Winfrey
3. “Love is the same as like, except you feel sexier.” — Judith Viorst
4. “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.” — Sigmund Freud
5. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”  —Prince Phillip
6. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” —Cindy Garner
7. “An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.” —Booth Tarkington
8. “No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!”  —Homer Simpson
9. “One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’” —Michelle Obama
10. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
11. “Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.” —Chip Gaines
12. “Love is the same as like, except you feel sexier.”  —Judith Viorst
13. “A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late.” —Frank Sinatra
14. “Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner – just so they can have the last word.” —Janet Periat
15. “I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”  — Rita Rudner
16. “I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” —Cameron Esposito
17. “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
18.  “In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” —Rita Rudner
19. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” —Benjamin Franklin
20. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.”— Unknown
21. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
22. “A happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short.” —André Maurois
23. “When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” —Molly Mcgee
24. “When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.” —Helen Rowland
25. Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?” —Dennis Miller
26. “Marriage is like vitamins: We supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” — Anonymous
27. “Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.” — Anonymous
28. “Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.” —Chip Gaines

Cute & Funny Marriage Quotes That Never Fail To Make Couples Smile

Create a toast to the happy couple using some cute and funny phrases and send it to your best friend who just tied the knot. We have highlighted all kinds of humorous quotations from unique to quirky to heartfelt!

29. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” — Albert Einstein

30. “A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.” —Anonymous

31. “Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” —Ogden Nash

32. “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” — Michel de Montaign

33. “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” — Ogden Nash

34. “Webster's Dictionary defines wedding as ‘the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.' Well, you know something? I think you guys are two medals. Gold medals.” —The Office

35. “If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” — Miles Davis

36. “Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree and woman gets her master’s degree.” — Rama Kochhar

37. “Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.” — Eddie Cantor

38. “You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” —  Rey Woodman

39. “Love is sharing your popcorn.” — Charles Schultz

40. “What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility.” —Leo Tolstoy

 41. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” — Mickey Rooney

42. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.” — Albert Einstein

43. “An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.” — Booth Tarkington

44. “For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.” — Catherine Zeta-Jones

 45. “Marriage is a workshop….. Where husband works and wife shops.” — Anonymous

46. Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks? — Janet Periat

Funny Wedding Quotes About Wife

Any married person will tell you that a sense of humor and the ability to laugh with and occasionally at the person you love most are just as important as loyalty, love, patience, and respect in laying the foundations for a happy and lasting marriage. It may come as a surprise, but laughter may really strengthen a marriage. Like making us feel closer to our partner, lowering our stress levels, boosting our immune systems, and improving our mood. So, to get things started, grab your wife, get comfortable, and read some funny marriage quotes below.

47. “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield

48. “My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.” — Jack Benny

49. “When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” — Molly McGee

50.  “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.” — Sigmund Freud

51. “My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes on tuesdays, I go Fridays.” — Henry Youngman

52. “If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson

 53. “My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.” — Lee Judge

54. “Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.” — Joginder Singh

55. “She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.” — St Elmo's Fire

56. “Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she's there. You come back from work, she's there. You fall asleep, she's there. You eat dinner, she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it's not.” —Everybody Loves Raymond

57. “There are only three things women need in life: Food, water and compliments.” — Chris Rock

58. “In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.” — Woody Allen

59. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.” —Winston Churchill

60. “The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” — H.V. Prochnow

61. “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.” — Lyndon B. Johnson

62. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” — Socrates

Funny Wedding Quotes About Husband

It's true that words can't always express how deeply we feel for those we love, but they can offer us great comfort and even laughter. If you're looking for some wed funny quotes or wedding anniversary quotes to share with your hubby, here's a great selection.

63. “The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.” — Groucho Marx

64. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft

65. I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is. —Forrest Gump

66. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” – Cindy Garner

67. “Behind every great man, there's a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey

68. “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!” — Bill Maher

69. All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.”—Red Skelton

 70. “Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” — Jerry Seinfeld

71. “An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” — Agatha Christie

Funny Wedding Wishes For Bride and Groom

You can't find the right words to express how delighted you are for them. If you find yourself in a situation where words fail you, these humorous best wishes for the bride and groom should help you out.

72. “Your life had something missing without your husband. But with them, now you are completely finished. Let’s celebrate!”

73. “On your wedding day, I would like to disclose the secret to a happy married life…well it is such a secret that no one knows it. Here’s wishing you both a very happy married life.”

74. Do not expect that your husband will change after marriage. You will have to guide him through the process. Happy wedding!”

75. “Congratulations! Now you're one – one bed, one remote, one bathroom! Congratulations on your union as life partners!”

76. “You are so excited to make your partner happy and loved always. Then you will find out that you did nothing but annoy each other instead. Congratulations!

77. “Before you got married, you were madly in love with each other. Now you will be be mad at each other as well.”

78. “Saying I do while getting married is like blindly clicking on the I Accept checkbox while installing new software in your computer. You do it despite having no clue of what will come next.”

79. “Well, now it’s the beginning of the end for you. No more beers, no more night out with the guys but at least you have a loving wife. Congrats!”

80. “Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together – problems that never existed before you married. But since you’ve picked your problems, let’s celebrate. Cheers!”

81. “If you were dying to cook for someone your whole life, you could have just come to me. But anyway, wish you a happy married life ahead babe!”

82. “Your marriage today marks the end of your happy love story and marks the beginnings of your never-ending war. May the best player win.”

Final Thoughts

These funny quotes for newly married couple are some of the best ways to wish your friends well on their new journey while also pulling their leg (like we always do) in a lighthearted way. After all, there are a lot of funny greetings for newly married couple, short wishes, quotes, and templates out there, and sometimes that's all we really need to put words to what we feel on the inside. These humorous wedding card quotes are sure to warm the couple's hearts as well as their minds. So, please do give it a try. So, bookmark these wed funny quotes for newlyweds and send them to your friends in a way that they will never forget. With these amusing quotations, you may make your wedding speech the best one ever.